The week following bilateral mastectomy surgery seemed endless and yet, as I write this, it has been five weeks since those endless days. Getting comfortable was not easy to do due to two drains under each arm, the skin on my chest and under each arm felt like raw, open wounds when it was not, lifting my arms was limited and doing the shoulder shrugs and shoulder blade exercises was uncomfortable to begin with, but after a couple of days it actually made my neck and back feel better, my emotions were over the top trying to stay positive one minute and crying the next, bathing and getting ready for bed was a task in itself then, of course, comes trying to get comfortable to sleep only to wake up and face the task of cleaning up and getting dressed and presentable for another day of sitting in my chair ... you may ask why I would write this when I am striving to create a positive place for others to come to? Because the reality is, bilateral mastectomy surgery is a BIG deal and it comes with its negative side.
But, as one friend who had a lumpectomy and radiation told me, each day done is one day you never have to face again and it places you one day closer to better health and back at living the lifestyle you knew before that lump appeared, before the words "breast biopsy" and "mastectomy" entered your vocabulary, before surgery and drains and treatments ... looking forward is not always easy and comes with so many unknowns with procedures still to come, but taking one day at a time is all anyone can do - add to that counting your blessings and you have the makings of a mastectomy survivor! Yup! That's me and you!
After the first week, I had one set of drains removed which helped with arm movement and the overall feeling of "bulk" that my arms were sitting on and around. After week two, when the second set of drains was removed, I felt light as a feather, like I could tackle the world - I could finally shower and wash my own hair, I discovered I could wear a pull on shirt by leaning forward so my arms were not over my head, I was able to lengthen my walking time around our property, I was able to help my husband around the house with dishes and packing his lunchbox ... I even went back to work a few hours every couple of days.
While the person in the mirror looking back at me each day was and is unfamiliar, it is an image so many women before me have had to embrace and get to know and share life with. In my case, the expansion process of reconstruction is moving slower than for other patients, but in another month or so the expansion will be complete and the implant surgery will be the next step in my recovery. I believe I will always miss the image of the physical "old" me, but God will help me embrace the physical "new" me and He will help me heal from the inside out.
Up next, filling the expanders ...
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Surgery Day
The following week found me at the surgeons to sign the necessary paperwork and be told the surgery was scheduled for the following Monday - one week to surgery - oh boy!
Surgery would consist of the general surgeon removing the tumor and tissue in both breasts - estimated time frame 3 hours. Then, the plastic surgery team comes in and places the expanders behind the pectoral muscle, adds the harvested skin from a donar to create a stronger pocket for the expansion, creates the skin flaps, and places two drains on each side - estimated time frame 1.5 hours per side - 5-6 hours of surgery - that was a lot of information to take in once again!
Reminder to self, I am having this done because I have a TUMOR - something I have had to remind myself of several times over, even today as I write this. Making the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy comes with so many emotions and yet, there is/was a very valid reason for this.
So .... no breasts of my own, they will now be fake, I never thought there would ever be a day I would have fake ones, I had nothing to brag about but they were mine, only "fast" women have those not me (NO hate intended in that statement!) What will my husband think of me? Will the scars heal so I don't always see them? So many emotions for doing the right thing!
Fast forward through a week of telling my employer, family members, arranging for meals and help with daily activities when I return home, praying prayers that didn't even have words, etc. and it is SuRgErY DaY! I have no problems when it comes to surgery prep (I have done it 5 times prior) putting in the IV needle, listening to each one tell me their role in the surgery, the repeated "tell me your name and date of birth" - what got me was the marking - you know, when the surgeon comes in to mark the correct side to work on so they don't remove something on the left side that was supposed to stay (hehehe). Drawing around each breast, marking where he wanted the incisions to be, it was the finality of it all that got - I will wake up never to have the breasts I was born with!! I cried and the absolute best OR nurse held my hand. When they were done and everyone exited the room, my most awesome husband sat with me and reminded me it was going to be okay and that he loved me no matter what - have I told you he is the BEST! :)
The surgery went as planned and was actually a little quicker then anticipated - I love anesthesia because I typically don't remember much of anything - the last thing I remember was sliding onto the OR table and maybe a little bit of the ride to my room afterward. I still don't remember the first sight of my husband, but somehow I knew he was present during the ride to the room. I was not liking the morphine for pain, that was making me nauseous, but otherwise I didn't wake up feeling like I had been hit by a bus which was a question I had not found the answer to prior to surgery.
And now the journey begins - the healing process and reconstruction - unknowns that scare me and yet give me hope.
Surgery would consist of the general surgeon removing the tumor and tissue in both breasts - estimated time frame 3 hours. Then, the plastic surgery team comes in and places the expanders behind the pectoral muscle, adds the harvested skin from a donar to create a stronger pocket for the expansion, creates the skin flaps, and places two drains on each side - estimated time frame 1.5 hours per side - 5-6 hours of surgery - that was a lot of information to take in once again!
Reminder to self, I am having this done because I have a TUMOR - something I have had to remind myself of several times over, even today as I write this. Making the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy comes with so many emotions and yet, there is/was a very valid reason for this.
So .... no breasts of my own, they will now be fake, I never thought there would ever be a day I would have fake ones, I had nothing to brag about but they were mine, only "fast" women have those not me (NO hate intended in that statement!) What will my husband think of me? Will the scars heal so I don't always see them? So many emotions for doing the right thing!
Fast forward through a week of telling my employer, family members, arranging for meals and help with daily activities when I return home, praying prayers that didn't even have words, etc. and it is SuRgErY DaY! I have no problems when it comes to surgery prep (I have done it 5 times prior) putting in the IV needle, listening to each one tell me their role in the surgery, the repeated "tell me your name and date of birth" - what got me was the marking - you know, when the surgeon comes in to mark the correct side to work on so they don't remove something on the left side that was supposed to stay (hehehe). Drawing around each breast, marking where he wanted the incisions to be, it was the finality of it all that got - I will wake up never to have the breasts I was born with!! I cried and the absolute best OR nurse held my hand. When they were done and everyone exited the room, my most awesome husband sat with me and reminded me it was going to be okay and that he loved me no matter what - have I told you he is the BEST! :)
The surgery went as planned and was actually a little quicker then anticipated - I love anesthesia because I typically don't remember much of anything - the last thing I remember was sliding onto the OR table and maybe a little bit of the ride to my room afterward. I still don't remember the first sight of my husband, but somehow I knew he was present during the ride to the room. I was not liking the morphine for pain, that was making me nauseous, but otherwise I didn't wake up feeling like I had been hit by a bus which was a question I had not found the answer to prior to surgery.
And now the journey begins - the healing process and reconstruction - unknowns that scare me and yet give me hope.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
When Fear Hits
I guess it was about four years ago now, when the first sign of a problem came - sharp pain, swelling under my right arm - an immediate visit to my physician revealed a probable breast cyst upon which a mammogram, ultrasound, and visit to a surgeon later confirmed. Okay, that scare turned out fine - I can deal with this, although at times it was pretty painful and as the years moved on it became rather annoying.
Fast forward to 2016, and my husband saying "that feels pretty hard, should you go back to the doctor" ... and me brushing the comment off with the description of what a cyst should feel like and my symptoms haven't changed ... yada yada yada.
March arrived and the "cyst" I knew I had began to grow rapidly and became very painful. Let's just say after about two weeks it was huge - I compared it to a Cadbury Easter Egg as it was the season of Easter candy. Another immediate visit to my physician prompted another mammogram with a report back that I needed further studies done, namely a breast biopsy. Here comes the fear again!
The waiting can be too much when you let your mind wander instead of placing your fears in God's Hands - lesson learned (for now). I consulted with a friend of mine regarding a good facility for the biopsy and am SO glad she recommended the new MaineGeneral Breast Care Center here in Maine. God knew the people I would need surrounding me as I was told this is NOT cystic in nature and a breast biopsy was performed. Now, having a breast biopsy is not as scary as I imagined - performed via ultrasound, the area was numbed very well, I felt some pressure where the instrument was pushing on my side and I had an almost uncomfortable feeling as the physician worked closer to the nipple, but overall not a bad procedure. In fact, I went to work a couple hours later because I was feeling fine - not the best idea probably as after about four hours all of the numbing agent had worn off and I was quite uncomfortable with a sharp ache which continued for several hours despite OTC pain meds - but, by morning, I was fine.
What if this is cancerous? How will I tell our son and daughter-in-law? How could I ever get to the place of having to say goodbye to my only child? A week of tears and fear and prayer led me to week two where I had my grit back and was determined to fight this for sure! But there were new questions - What will surgery entail? What will I look like? What will I look like with no hair if treatments are needed? Will I have a job to return to if this process takes months? among other questions.
The biopsy results came back as a Phyllodes tumor, benign, but must be removed as it is aggressive and can become cancerous if left untreated. The day arrived to meet the surgeon and discuss what needed to be done - I had my notebook with questions, feeling prepared. Now, I am not a well endowed woman and the surgeon revealed that the tumor was large and taking enough margin around it would leave me very disfigured so he would recommend a mastectomy with reconstruction - WHAT! That was not on my list of questions! As my husband and I walked to the car, I began to shake and could not even begin to comprehend what we both knew was the obvious cure/treatment. Now to schedule a time with the plastic surgeon's team.
Once again, with my notebook in hand and my husband by my side, the plastic surgeon sat down with me to discuss my diagnosis and treatment options. His recommendation - a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction - WHAT! Whoa back! WHAT! One reason to consider a bilateral is proactive so you don't have to face future problems in the good breast and secondly (as a friend of mine put it) "you can't make the new one sag like the old one" - while he would do his best to create a new breast and augment the untouched breast, I would face "adjustment" surgery in the years to come and it would always be a reminder of the trauma I had been through. WOW! Too much information to comprehend and a whole new set of questions began running through my head. That was another long walk to the car.
One thing that got me through these days/weeks, besides my awesome husband, is my mother-in-law - she had a single mastectomy about 25 years ago without the option of reconstruction as back then that was a vanity thing and not likely covered by insurance. Despite how she tells me now I went through more than she did, she is the strongest person I know - the rock I want to be for others and the purpose of this blog - to walk others through the process and make it a little less scary.
With much prayer and my fears very real, the decision was made, we were ready for the next step - preparing for surgery. Yeeha!
Fast forward to 2016, and my husband saying "that feels pretty hard, should you go back to the doctor" ... and me brushing the comment off with the description of what a cyst should feel like and my symptoms haven't changed ... yada yada yada.
March arrived and the "cyst" I knew I had began to grow rapidly and became very painful. Let's just say after about two weeks it was huge - I compared it to a Cadbury Easter Egg as it was the season of Easter candy. Another immediate visit to my physician prompted another mammogram with a report back that I needed further studies done, namely a breast biopsy. Here comes the fear again!
The waiting can be too much when you let your mind wander instead of placing your fears in God's Hands - lesson learned (for now). I consulted with a friend of mine regarding a good facility for the biopsy and am SO glad she recommended the new MaineGeneral Breast Care Center here in Maine. God knew the people I would need surrounding me as I was told this is NOT cystic in nature and a breast biopsy was performed. Now, having a breast biopsy is not as scary as I imagined - performed via ultrasound, the area was numbed very well, I felt some pressure where the instrument was pushing on my side and I had an almost uncomfortable feeling as the physician worked closer to the nipple, but overall not a bad procedure. In fact, I went to work a couple hours later because I was feeling fine - not the best idea probably as after about four hours all of the numbing agent had worn off and I was quite uncomfortable with a sharp ache which continued for several hours despite OTC pain meds - but, by morning, I was fine.
What if this is cancerous? How will I tell our son and daughter-in-law? How could I ever get to the place of having to say goodbye to my only child? A week of tears and fear and prayer led me to week two where I had my grit back and was determined to fight this for sure! But there were new questions - What will surgery entail? What will I look like? What will I look like with no hair if treatments are needed? Will I have a job to return to if this process takes months? among other questions.
The biopsy results came back as a Phyllodes tumor, benign, but must be removed as it is aggressive and can become cancerous if left untreated. The day arrived to meet the surgeon and discuss what needed to be done - I had my notebook with questions, feeling prepared. Now, I am not a well endowed woman and the surgeon revealed that the tumor was large and taking enough margin around it would leave me very disfigured so he would recommend a mastectomy with reconstruction - WHAT! That was not on my list of questions! As my husband and I walked to the car, I began to shake and could not even begin to comprehend what we both knew was the obvious cure/treatment. Now to schedule a time with the plastic surgeon's team.
Once again, with my notebook in hand and my husband by my side, the plastic surgeon sat down with me to discuss my diagnosis and treatment options. His recommendation - a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction - WHAT! Whoa back! WHAT! One reason to consider a bilateral is proactive so you don't have to face future problems in the good breast and secondly (as a friend of mine put it) "you can't make the new one sag like the old one" - while he would do his best to create a new breast and augment the untouched breast, I would face "adjustment" surgery in the years to come and it would always be a reminder of the trauma I had been through. WOW! Too much information to comprehend and a whole new set of questions began running through my head. That was another long walk to the car.
One thing that got me through these days/weeks, besides my awesome husband, is my mother-in-law - she had a single mastectomy about 25 years ago without the option of reconstruction as back then that was a vanity thing and not likely covered by insurance. Despite how she tells me now I went through more than she did, she is the strongest person I know - the rock I want to be for others and the purpose of this blog - to walk others through the process and make it a little less scary.
With much prayer and my fears very real, the decision was made, we were ready for the next step - preparing for surgery. Yeeha!
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